She hoped he was convincible. You've got to go to school she said, because you are the principal.

I had good intentions of not sucking at academic life today but as they say, old habits die hard. I can be so alert and awake walking to and from class and I’ll think to myself, what a wonderful world. But as soon as I enter that quiet classroom, the air too warm and my face flushed from inevitably hurrying to get there, it all goes out the window. Or it might, if classrooms ever had windows. I don’t know what the root of the problem is, you would think I should be able to pay attention, but I just can’t. It isn’t even that I find it boring, nearly all of the classes I have taken that weren’t science related have been wonderfully fascinating, I could discuss them for days. The problem is that there is nothing there to engage me. I’ve put a bit of thought into this (some while my mind was wandering in class, I must admit) and I think the structure of higher education just doesn’t fit my learning style. If I have nothing to relate the subject matter back to, I have no hope of remembering it. I need discussion, I need visuals, I need to see what it means in the scope of my universe in order for me to really grasp it. High school education can be lacking in a lot of ways, and I’ve heard it being referred to as teaching that is simply “holding your hand”, and when this phrase is used it seems to have a negative connotation, holding your hand implies that you can’t do it on your own, but what’s the problem with that? High school classrooms were a lot more fun. Obviously I have made it through two and a half years of University with relatively high success, I can clearly make the system work for me at least enough to get by. But if things were just a little more involved, more dynamic I think I would enjoy school a lot more. People always ask what I am going to do with my sociology degree and my usual response begins with what I like to think of as a knowing but cynical chuckle, and the response of “honestly…probably nothing”. This answer is generally met with a laugh, often a widening of the eyes and always some reproduction of, “okay so what are you going to do”? My general reply is usually to tell them about my interest in design or event planning, some sort of creative field. If I know the person a little better I might throw in that really I just want to have cute babies. If I delve in any further with the conversation it turns to the question of grad school. Do I think I will get my masters? No, I don’t. It isn’t that I want to stop learning, I have a million subjects I would love to know more about, it is that the thought of attending University for four more years sounds impossible to me. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE college. The college lifestyle suits me well, I just know that I would never be able to focus well enough and study hard enough to get a graduate degree. Going to class is painful and annoying. I want so badly to be present but I consistently find myself, as I’ve been known to say, forgetting to listen. I can do 50 minute lectures well enough, I still find myself checking the time roughly every two minutes after about the 24 minute mark but it isn’t too bad. It is the two hour lectures that really get me. How am I expected to sit still for that long? To not speak for that long? It physically stresses me sometimes, after about an hour and 15 minutes all I can think about is the urge to bolt out of there, let out a yell and move on to the next activity. Sometimes it feels like a physical pull in my chest to move, and if I take a gulp of water or have to cough I get so anxious that I am bothering people and it is all I will think about. This is why you will never talk me into studying at the library. I can’t handle the silence. Unless I am alone I can’t focus without music or background noise because I start to notice my breathing and then I start to feel like I can’t breathe properly and then I’m completely distracted from the conversation at hand. This entry went a little bit of a different direction than I was intending but what can you do. My point is, I want to learn but I hate going to lecture. I wish every class could be like a section/seminar where we have discussions and activities but I’m too far in to back out now. I got an email from the registrar the other day, graduation, after this quarter you are less than 30 credits away!

Bonus points if you know where the title comes from!